Luna Park Melbourne: 8 people to see (and avoid)

Luna Park is an institution, and while it might not be the most up-to-date theme park kicking about, it can still dollop out the fun when it needs to. A day at Luna Park is a lot like a Stephen King novel –long, spooky, chock full of weirdo’s. But, if you stop to smell the roses – or to puke in them after a ride – these are the people you’re likely to see wandering about Luna Park Melbourne.

1. The First Timers

These are the theme park virgins who’ve never been to an amusement park before or, you’ll casually wonder, whether they’ve ever actually been allowed out in public before. They’re easy to spot because they’ll be the ones who will be bopping around like jumping beans all over the park having “LITERALLY THE BEST TIME EVER!!!!!” They’ll try to make friends with you in the line because they don’t know that the correct amusement park etiquette is to keep your eyes front and not pretend this is a blossoming friendship that will last. They’ll also be stuffing their faces with fairy floss, lollies and soft drinks and then saying they don’t feel well. Seconds later, they’ll be vomiting at the foot of the Carousel. That won’t deter them though, between chunks of Haribo they’ll be whispering “…best…day…ever…”

2. The Lifers

The opposite of the First Timers, these are the people with annual passes who have been to Luna Park so often they’re on a first-name basis with the creepy smiling clown who guards the entrance. They’ll be acting aloof, almost bored by the whole thing. They’ll know every twist and turn of every ride; every photo opportunity and they’ll be able to identify optimal ride wait times with pinpoint precision. Their annual passes might be paid for, but they’ve got a lifetime of experience that money can’t buy. Don’t expect any help from these guy’s though – they didn’t spend years perfecting their Luna Park experience to share it with you rookies.

3. The Daters

Luna Park is a popular and adrenaline-boosting date spot. It’s also a good way to figure out if your date likes fairy floss (if they don’t, dump those sadists). There are usually two types of daters wandering Luna Park– the new relationship daters, brimming with optimism, and the let’s-hope-this-rekindles-some-level-of-attraction-in-our-relationship daters. The former are doe-eyed and cute and in love and just make you want to puke more than the Pharoah’s Curse ever could. The latter know everything about each other. They’re comfortable, like well-worn gloves. They’ll be holding hands and pottering about hoping that something will reignite the passion they once had. These daters will end up getting married – probably at the park.

4. The Families

It’s almost like amusement parks were made for children and families. Because let me tell you, they’re everywhere. Like sticky, grabby, whiny locusts. I’m not sure how else I can elaborate on this. You know what a family looks like. These are the worst. They’re often wearing matching shirts. I’m not sure why. I’d rather not speculate to be honest. You’re going to come face to face with thousands of families with two kids, three kids, four kids… maybe more, who knows. They all look the same to me. These little humans are irritating and don’t even appreciate the rides so I don’t know why they’re even allowed in. Just… just come to terms with it and you’ll be fine.

5. The Planners

With the careful crafting of a wartime strategist, the planners come to Luna Park armed ready for every potential scenario. They get one family outing per year and it’s going to be perfect. Planners are usually wearing bum bags packed to the rim with band-aids, battery powered mobile phone chargers, protein bars and $40 in change. Obviously they’ve got a map of the park in there as well, but their map is more a blueprint for success than a guide. The arrows indicate the route they’ll take and the numbers indicate how long they’ll need to spend at each ride for maximum fun. Lost family members are often jettisoned because failure is not an option. In their spare time, planning people cry out for spontaneity, but publicly, they’ll line cut, push over grandmas, feign illness and pull fire alarms to ensure their schedule is minute perfect. ARE YOU HAVING MAXIMUM FUN YET?!

6. The Hipsters

Amidst the colourful fun and the carefree laughter lurks a cynicism occupied by the felt-hat wearing hipsters. These Kool Kats® aren’t here for the rides. They don’t even like rides. Or fun. Or music written after 1994.  They’re here, amongst the thousands of other people, because Luna Park is sooo retro. In every queue, on every ride, at every departure point, the hipsters will be puffing out their faces and cocking their coiffed hair and outstretching their Buddha bracelet heavy arms to get that perfect selfie to prove to the world that they were there. God forbid they put the phone down and enjoy themselves; social media doesn’t take a day off. Becoming nothing more than human traffic cones, they’ll tend to block busy walkways while they adjust their filters. Be wary of the hipsters – they’d step over their own mother for a good photo. #Lunapark #Havingfun #whyismumonthefloor

7. The Oddly Massive Group

In between the busiest rides, you’ll find groups of people wandering like indecisive moths searching for a flame. They’ll tend to not be able to think for themselves and be following an overly confident chaperone that wants to make sure they don’t lose anyone. Like a salty wave of indecision, they’ll wash over stragglers as they move in front of every ride and um and ah for 20 minutes about whether the ride’s worth waiting for. It’s not unusual for outsiders to be sucked into the vacuum of what appears to be a queue before realising 20 minutes later it’s just a bunch of people standing around a hot dog stand wondering if all 20 people want to split a large Coke.

8. The Wingers

In Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal pointed out that maybe Buffalo Bill’s killing pattern was so random that it was a pattern in itself. Deep stuff Doctor Lector, deep and creepy. He probably didn’t realise that he inadvertently pigeon-holed the Wingers at the Luna Park. If you were to map a Winger’s pattern from above, it’d look like a three-year-old’s colouring attempt – random lines that make no sense. Maybe they ride the Ghost Train; maybe they’ll check out the Twin Dragon, oh, but wait – there’s a clown! I’m going to the toilet. How’s the Coney Island line look? What about a hotdog first? This randomness will see them flickering from one amusement to the next, making them difficult to predict. But ironically, it’s this casualness that usually ensures they’re having the most fun. They’re harmless really, except when they quickly change direction because a piece of metal has twinkled and caught their attention.