Australia Day is a perfect day for patriotism. A day to band together and celebrate our great nation. Pay homage to the Sun Gods for the excessive heat, the Smirnoff Gods for the excessive drinking and the rubber inflatable pool Gods that become cesspools of beer and vomit by the end of the day. It’s all great.
But beneath the nationalism beats the heart of the competitor. And while everyone knows Australia is pretty dope, every person thinks their state or territory is the best. Luckily, I’m here to be the decider. Ready the complaints people, because here comes controversy.
Strange Attractions
Australia is a tourist mecca. As our dollar gets weaker, foreigners take advantage and flock to our shores in boats airplanes to see our wonderful country and dive into our colourful rainbow money like Scrooge McDuck.
Every state and territory has something that they’ll try to convince tourists to travel for, here are my personal favourites:
Queensland: Great Barrier Reef
Pros: Natural wonder of the world boasting some of the most breathtaking wildlife in the world.
Cons: Pretty wet.
New South Wales: Sydney Opera House
Pros: Beautiful architecture, phenomenal location.
Cons: Opera sucks.
Victoria: Great Ocean Road (Twelve Apostles)
Pros: Picturesque rock formation along an amazing stretch of road.
Cons: I don’t have a car.
South Australia: Barossa Valley
Pros: Award winning wine and a broody Nick Cave soundtrack.
Cons: Red wine gives me a fierce hangover.
Northern Territory: Uluru
Pros: Great big rock with huge historical significance to our indigenous people.
Cons: Bah, camels: the disfigured uncle of the majestic horse.
Tasmania: MONA
Pros: Unbelievable collection of old and new art, expertly presented.
Cons: They confiscated my apples at the airport.
Western Australia: Kings Park
Pros: Phenomenal views over a wondrously located capital city.
Cons: I could have almost gone to Japan in the same time.
Australian Capital Territory: Mooseheads
Pros: Probably the best pub/bar/fight club in Australia.
Cons: I have but one life to live, not nearly enough time to spend all the time I’d want to at Mooseheads.
Battle of the Big Boys: New South Wales vs. Victoria
Our two most populous states just happen to house our two biggest cities. But there’s more to these states than Melbourne and Sydney.
One of New South Wales’ real assets is their long coastline, which lends itself to some amazing beaches. A lot of what’s good about NSW are its coastal stops like Port Macquarie, Byron Bay and Coffs Harbour. But the diversity runs deeper leaving you to wonder how the broken glass of Newcastle can live in harmony alongside the passive grass loving Nimbin.
Victoria, on the other hand, is a little less flashy. While it has some nice port of calls, like the Mornington Peninsula and the Great Ocean Road, and some adorable penguins on Phillip Island, it’s major non-capital cities are Geelong – which is having a hard time of it at the moment – and Ballarat, which is just…let’s move on.
Winner: NSW. Both behemoths have a lot going for them beyond capital cities. But I love the beach, so NSW wins.
Battle of the Underdogs: South Australia vs. Tasmania
While they may issue their objections, there’s little doubt that South Australia and Tasmania – our smallest states – are often mere afterthoughts in the minds of many. Unjustly so, but that’s the way it is sometimes. As B*Witched used to sing: C’est la vie.
South Australia has a phenomenal wine region, Adelaide and Kangaroo Island, which is like Jurassic Park, but with Big Reds. They’ve got a couple of nifty AFL teams, and some explosive surf down near the peninsulas. It’s a little budding Fisher Price My First Victoria.
Tasmania has got apples and the Museum of Old and New Art (MONA). While the first produces cider, the latter brings in a staggering number of tourists a year and has lifted the apple isle’s profile to global levels. They even had a visit from the Chinese president.
Winner: While my opinion has as much cred as Wesley Snipes filing a tax return, I’m going to give it to Tasmania. For a state literally isolated from the rest of Australia, they’ve done incredibly well to become a worldwide name. And I have a penchant for granny smiths. But don’t let it discourage you South Australia – I think you’re still ace.
Getting territorial: Australian Capital Territory vs. Northern Territory
Ask any Australian what the difference between a state and a territory is and they’ll likely be able to rattle off the constitutional differences in a heartbeat. Just kidding – we’ve got no idea.
I Googled it and still don’t really understand and I tried and I tried then I fell asleep and dreamt of those creepy Baz Luhrmann NT Tourism ads. But in any case, we’ve got a couple of territories and they couldn’t be more different:
The Northern Territory is home to our most famous rock – Uluru – along with monster crocodiles – they’re dinosaurs!! – a lot of red sand and some of the most jaw-dropping scenery you’ll be hard pressed to find anywhere else in the world.
The Australian Capital Territory is home to Canberra, which in turn houses our public servants, whom we’ve allowed to roam freely in the territorial plains like zebra with gym memberships. It’s also got arguably more dangerous animals than the NT, with Parliament being there and all.
Winner: Northern Territory. And it’s not because I have PTSD from living in Canberra. But rather because I don’t think the NT gets enough credit. The ACT has the benefit of being slap bang in the middle of NSW, where it leeches off its charisma like Liam Hemsworth does to Chris. While the NT is stuck up there, by itself, doing its own thing. I can respect individuality. If they were going to be movies, the Northern Territory would likely be a high velocity, adrenaline-fueled, cowboy adventure starring Harrison Ford, whereas the ACT would be a rom-com, starring Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus.
Book Ends – Queensland vs. Western Australia
Two of our biggest states are our third and fourth most populous and you’ll be hard-pressed to find a more diverse bunch of characters in either. These states are genuinely massive. They together make up 55.5% of the entire country. Yet they’re only 3rd and 4th in terms of population. That makes them the geographical equivalent of Tony Abbot’s head – big and largely empty.
Queensland runs all up the east of Australia, seemingly getting crazier the higher you go. While Brisbane is a relatively normal city, once you head more North, it gets a bit more Hills Have Eyes for a while, before settling down a little when you get to Cairns. It’s hard to find any natural faults with a state that boasts the Great Barrier Reef, and there are obvious reasons that Queensland is called the Sunshine State.
Western Australia’s issue is that it’s just a galaxy so, far, far, far away and incidentally looks a lot like Tatooine from Star Wars. It has Perth, granted, which is a banger of a city, but it also happens to be one of the most isolated cities in the world! And because of the prevalence of wealth, Perth has become quite the expensive metropolis, especially when you have some of our Asian neighbours within throwing distance asking 40c for a long neck.
Winner: Queensland’s just got more going on. And is closer to other stuff that’s going on. And I’m from there. So really, you had no chance, WA.
Final Verdict:
Alas, much to your horror I’m sure, but I’m not going to point out one particular state or territory as the overall winner. Mainly because no matter what I say, you’re not going to change your mind, you stubborn reader, you.
Besides, every state and territory is different and each has their own unique highlights. I know people from all over and most of them love their state or territory, so what right do I have to tell them they’re wrong? Maybe instead of trying to fight about it, we should all just relish in the fact that we live in a country where we don’t have a single embarrassing state or territory*. I think that’s pretty darn great.
*Except the ACT.
