7 reasons Canberra doesn’t suck

I lived in Canberra for many years. And when I tell other Aussies, they always sound sympathetic and throw coins in my hat. But it wasn’t exactly a coal mine. Sure, it’s smaller than Sydney and Melbourne and has an obsession with personal fitness that I find unnerving, but it also boasts an incredibly high happiness rating from the people that live there. And there are good reasons for that: Canberra’s easy to get around – peak hour consists of three cars and a line of ducks – there are a multitude of activities and attractions to keep you busy, wide open spaces and a lot of great bars and restaurants. It is slightly weird, but it can be wonderful and being only a few hours from Sydney, it’s worth the trip.

Search for flights to Canberra

Museums

To outsiders, it might seem like Canberra is apologising by giving everyone free access to some really cool places. The National Portrait Gallery, the Australian War Memorial, the National Gallery and the National Museum all have free admission! And these are world-grade attractions, beautifully put together and boasting some amazing pieces by names like Pollock and Monet. The National Gallery is a particularly great place to feel superior. You can waste away the hours staring at expensive canvases saying things like, “I could have done that!” Yeah, but you didn’t. And that’s why you have to go to free museums.

Nature

Fun fact: Canberra is a planned city. This means that unlike the sprawls of Sydney and Melbourne that get so startled when a new person moves there that they chop down a tree to build them an apartment block, Canberra’s nature was always part of the plan. You can’t look anywhere without seeing a leaf. And if you like kangaroos, they are literally everywhere. You’ll see the icon in backyards, bounding across the highways, using ATMs, making an awkward small talk at the bus stop while you pretend to be reading. There are also lakes and hikes coming out your ears. Lake Burley Griffin is particularly nice in the mornings. You used to be able to hire swan boats, bikes and paddle boats at the lake though I was too busy indoors watching environmental documentaries to worry about experiencing nature.  I know you can hire *sigh* Segways. But please don’t – they’re no cooler over there than they are here.

Think of it as a small ocean. With no waves. Or sand. Or sharks.

Floriade

Floriade is Canberra’s annual (free!) flower festival held in Commonwealth Park. Each year it has a loose theme running through it and the flowers are displayed according to that theme. Into its 28^th year, it’s truthfully just a flower festival, but tell that to the residents there and they will wicker man you. Not even kidding. I tried to fit in once so I dissed it to a bunch of tattooed skaters and we almost came to blows, “Don’t hate on the tulips, man!” Then we had a skate off for pink slips, Fast and Furious style. Anyway, Canberra takes this flower thing very seriously. Now that I think about it, it does have a ritualistic M. Night Shyamalan vibe to it. They also have a Floriade night festival that I’ve not been to…so maybe that’s where they do their cult sacrifices.

Every time somebody complains about Canberra, they plant a tulip.

Food and wine capital

Canberra has been waving the food and wine capital of the world flag for a while now. I’m not sure who’s enforcing these accolades but I have to believe that places like Paris and Rome might have something to say about that. But hey, maybe they bought the domain name first. Regardless, Canberra does boast an impressive array of interesting places to stuff your face and wash it down with beer. This is largely due to the high levels of disposable income the place has – the average wage in Canberra is a lot more than the rest of the country – so everyone there just eats and drinks while waiting for Floriade to start up again. The wine region is also excellent and vast; foreigners have been known to remark, “I can really taste the difference between the red and the white.”

That’s all for that one guy. He’s super hungover.

Freakshow Milkshakes

It might seem suspicious that one café could get its very own section, but the Patissez café has earned it. This place produces Frankenstein-style milkshakes called “Freakshakes”. They’re served on ploughman boards and come to the table overflowing with a variety of coronary-inducing goodies, like fudge brownies, caramel bananas and toasted homemade marshmallows. It only opened this year but they alone warrant the trek to Canberra. Sidebar, the hospital system in Canberra is also good, which goes hand-in-hand when you drink your body weight in sugar and your blood congeals to the consistency of molasses. Patissez probably serve other good stuff too, but who the hell cares.

Not pictured, heart attack.

Weird Attractions

Like glass blowing? Want to see how Australia’s rainbow money is made? Want to get up stupidly early and float over the city in a ball of gas? Well, Canberra is the city for you! For some reason, the nation’s capital has collected itself a nice little catalogue of weird and wonderful tourist attractions. The Canberra Glassworks is surprisingly thorough, the Royal Mint runs tours and every year and they have a hot air balloon festival that celebrates…gases? They also have an impressive light festival called Enlighten, that rivals Sydney’s Vivid festival and Melbourne’s overly-crowded White Night festival. There’s also a Museum that’s dedicated to – sit down for this one – democracy. Yep. Nobody in Canberra really wanted it, but yet they have it. That’s democracy for you.

The politicians fill all the balloons by mouth.

North vs. South

A lot of cities have north vs. south divides. Canberra is no exception, and in fact, I’ve never seen territorial patriotism as strong as I have in Canberra. Northerners seldom venture south, and vice versa (it’s about fifteen minutes by car). I was a northerner and I started dating a southerner – it was like the Capulets and the Montagues for a while there. I tell you this not to scare you, but rather to inform you. It’s a dangerous place sometimes this Canberra, and if you say the wrong thing to the wrong person in the wrong neighbourhood there’s every chance you’ll get a very, very stern talking to. Choose your allegiance, and then stick to it. And don’t even think about mentioning Queanbeyan – it’s the dark place that Mufasa warned Simba about.

That dark place over there is Queanbeyan…you must never go there, Simba.